ed. Charlie is off his medication this week and the resulting satirical invective comes from mashing a toe during his morning commute. If you wish to aid in his recovery, he assures me that cash and/or scotch will help best. Enjoy…

LONDON- War has been declared on the streets of the capital against a vile inconsiderate scourge.

Bands of vigilantes have started roaming buses, trams and tube carriages desperate to brutalise anyone – especially men – who insist on needlessly dragging a wheeled suitcase through the rush hour crowds to work.

Numerous attacks have been reported as souring temperatures heighten commuters rage and increasing packed public transport mean hideously cramped conditions.

Constant collisions and hold-ups as bag-draggers unsuccessfully negotiate ticket machines has steered the collective conscious of the city towards a voracious red mist.

Investment banker James Tweedle, 27, raged:

“I carry around this pool cue just to sodomise any f***er who drags a wheel over my shoe. I even don’t like women using them, but can accept it… but for men? It’s a damn disgrace!”

The luggage normally associated with holiday-makers or professionals on a business trip has recently become a focus of class warfare - dividing loyalties between those who believe bags are for dragging and those you think such behaviour uncouth.

Barrister Gerald Jasper, 33, from Lambeth, south London, uses a ‘wheelybag’ as he says tight shoulder straps blemish his delicate skin. He added:

“I don’t know what makes people so agitated to the point that they attack me with rolled-up newspapers. Were I to carry a bag I may start to perspire and could eventually faint. Then the great unwashed could have their way with my gully-hole.”

Professor Edgar Ramprakash, of University College London behavioural science department, has called for a ban on the bags before fatalities occur.

“What we are dealing with here is a case of rampant aggression directed at extremely weak, effeminate people.

It’s the equivalent of hanging your bollocks in a lion’s mouth and then twisting his nipples. Displaying weakness and utter offensiveness at the same time is sheer lunacy and must be stopped for their own sake.” - Professor Ramprakash

New London Mayor Boris Johnson has enlisted a taskforce to deal with the impending fervour. Announcing the new initiative, the mayor asked for calm in the city:

“While it may be inconsiderate and a right pain in the arse I will not tolerate mob rule in my city. I am currently taking advice on how to deal with the issue and hope to have an answer after lunch – which I’m sure will be lovely.”